Tuesday, November 2, 2010

No You're a Jackass!

I am not a movie buff. I am not a filmmaker. I’m not involved in any way, shape, or form with the movie industry except this: I’m an avid consumer.

I really have no rhyme or reason for wanting to see the movies I want to see. The main actor is hot. The book was really good (or bad). The director went to high school with my dad and I, therefore, have to support this second-degree connection, even though said director probably wouldn’t remember my dad. On the flip side, if I don’t want to see a movie, there probably is some equally illogical reason for it. I don’t like the way that actress talks. That director is a jerk in his interviews. That book was really good (or bad). However, every once in a while, I have good, solid, semi-logical reasons for or against seeing a certain movie.

Case in point: Jackass 3D.

I would like to say that I am not a snob. I have seen some of the worst movies ever made (Raise Your Voice with Hilary Duff. Yes, I PAID to see it…I’m not proud). I have, also, watched the show and, better yet, enjoyed it! Yet, Jackass 3D is one that I just cannot get behind.
First of all, I refuse to pay to see something that is on TV or YouTube, both of which I don’t have to (directly) pay for. I can turn on the TV any night after midnight and find some airing of Jackass where the same guys are doing similar stunts. Yes, watching a guy get kicked in the nuts is hilarious, but it’s not worth $12 (plus an additional $4-$5 for 3D). I can also go online and watch most of the same stunts being done by non-professionals, which, while much more dangerous, is also much more exciting since the likelihood of the amateur idiots having health insurance is slim. I like to call it the modern answer to survival of the fittest.

Secondly, why on earth do I want to see someone get kicked in balls in 3D? It’s called real life, people. If I want to see someone get kicked in the balls in 3D, I’ll walk up to one of my guy friends and kick him in the balls. And I won’t even have to put on the embarrassingly unattractive glasses.

Finally, there is the crowd. I am not talking about the individuals that go see it, but the audience as a whole. When you put a theater full of people into a dark room for 90 minutes, making them watch dangerous and stupid stunts, they come out affected. They are going to want to run into each other, punch the walls, or attempt to jump down 3 flights of stairs, all of which I heard happened at my very own AMC. It’s a combination of the power of suggestion and the feeling all of us have inside of invincibility. When you see real guys doing these (allegedly) real stunts and coming out unscathed, you are bound to think, “I can do that too!” Add that to the 100 or more people feeling the exact same way, and you have the chaos, annoyance, and all around lunacy that gets reported whenever these movies come to theaters. While I might appreciate the hilarity of someone being smacked in the face with a huge hand, I don’t need to see what will happen to a crowd of young men who decide that it would funny to see what happens if they try it.

In the end, my reasoning might not be as logical as I like to think. But, the best thing about mainstream movies today is that they are usually gone within 3 weeks, only to be briefly heard from again.


  1. I'll watch just about anything, this is one of the few franchises I refuse to watch just on merit. The popularity of this and things like it (i'm talking to you Jersey Shore) is a sad, sad commentary on our society.

    Damn, I suppose that does sound a bit snobby, especially coming from a guy that considers Brainsmasher: A Love Story to be one of the finest flicks from the 90's.